🎗What being a “Cancer Mum” really means to me. CCAM #ablogaday day26

Honestly,

you wont take anything for granted anymore. you actually know the true meaning of anything can happen at anytime! it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how happy you are. it doesn’t matter how much stress you have already been though in life!

I often wonder if there was something I could have done even when I know there was nothing I could do. I have always said how much I love Riley and honestly I would die for him. I would literally take his cancer out of him into my own body if I could!

I don’t really care about how well he’s doing at school, I’m just glad he’s able to go to school. Some children don’t!

I used to listen to songs and sometimes honestly, I would wonder if I would have to play this at his funeral. Yes, I did think about burying my child! Because honestly, when I was told Riley’s chance of survival was only a small 40% to me it wasn’t a lot! Your mind wonders off. You think, you really over think…

I thought about myself dying, I know I wouldn’t be able to go on if Riley didn’t make it though his cancer. Riley is my only child (for now!) he’s my world, I couldn’t live without him.

Every leg ache, rash, little bruise, headache he has, it makes me feel sick inside. Always thinking the worse could happen again.

I used to want to scream at people! They don’t know how lucky they are! They don’t know what they have got!

I had to come to terms with what could cure him could also kill him and cause future cancers. It destroyed his beautiful body.

A version of my died the day Riley was diagnosed and a new version came alive. I am stronger then ever.

You meet children, you fall in love with them, each their own little superhero. Their parents become your closet friends.

I want to make changes and make a difference but honestly, I don’t even know where to start. I jus hope my voice can one day make that difference!

This is how I feel and I know other oncology parents feel.

🎗 It wasn’t my fault. CCAM #ablogaday day19

It is absolutely devastating to hear that your child has cancer and you will have many different feelings and emotions.

When i was told Riley had cancer, I felt like the world was crashing down around me, i felt numb, I felt like everybody knew what I had just been told. I was shocked, scared, sad, angry, I just didn’t want to believe it and i felt so guilty! I think these are normal reactions. I’ve had conversations with nurses and doctors before about blaming myself and I have to remember its not my fault that Riley got cancer, i didn’t do anything and there was nothing I could do!

Guilt is rife among cancer parents, Was it something I did?

Could I have prevented this?

I know there was nothing I could have done because we don’t know why children get cancer. Whatever causes cancer in children is not the same as what causes cancer in adults. I know its important to know that it’s nothing I did.

Researchers have looked at every possible cause – from what mummy ate during pregnancy to the parents’ jobs, to where they live. They can’t come up with a reason why some children get cancer, and others do not.

I guess we pulled the out the short straw.

I think some people think cancer can spread like the flu! Like if their children are near your child they will catch cancer. Its not like that at all. I honestly felt like when Riley was diagnosed that everybody was trying to keep their children away from him because they honestly thought they would catch it!

I used to look at children who had gorgeous hair running around the park or just over at the shop and I used to think what if they have cancer? why wasn’t it you? why did it have to be my child?