🎗 Your heart. CCAM #ablogaday day11

Just being told your child has cancer your entire heart breaks.

Having to kiss your child goodbye as they are wheeled into theatre your entire heart breaks.

Having to hold him down as they try to take blood for the 4th time your entire heart breaks.

Holding a vomit bowl whilst rubbing his back as he throws up after another bunch of poison pumped into him your entire heart breaks.

Noticing his hair on his pillow your entire heart breaks.

Hearing of another child going to play with the angels your entire heart breaks.

Having him look up at you while he enjoys his fave food your heart starts to heal.

Hearing him laugh and seeing him smile your heart starts to heal.

Seeing him run around at home your heart starts to heal.

Hearing him say “I love you mummy” your heart starts to heal.

Cuddling up on sofa watching his fave programme your heart starts to heal.

The consultant saying “good news, scans are all clear!” your heart starts to heal.

Childhood cancer is not rare.

Its never the exact same story for every child. Each child takes a different path, each child’s cancer story has a different ending.

No cancer is the easy one, every one has the same effects, your entire heart breaks, your heart heals.

For some it never does heal but for every parent their heart will never beat the same again…

What is a true friend?

What is a true friend because honestly I don’t have a clue anymore! I could swear I’m so angry lately about this! It has really got to me these past couple of weeks and I’m ready to burst

How can somebody be there for us when Riley was going through his cancer treatment and then just treat me like a piece of dirt on their shoe. But tbh even when I think back all they did was come to the hospital once or twice…

Over the past few days I’ve sat here in my own mind thinking what the hell is a true friend? Surely they don’t lie to you? Hurt your feelings? Not listen to you when you try telling them things? Makes you feel down? Makes you doubt your not actually good enough?

I’m pretty sure a true friend doesn’t ask where I am? What I’m doing? Doesn’t ask how I even am?

I get to the point where I no longer want to go online on facebook to be asked twenty questions.

How can I say they’re my best friend when they don’t even ask me how I am? Yet when they ring me it’s the first thing they ask me then all they do is talk about themselves and have a moan. Like is that all in good for? How can I say they’re my best friend when they have totally pushed me to one side because in their eyes somebody better has come along. Yet they moan about them too me? What even is that? What them two people have done to me when they have been together has been awful, it’s been upsetting and it’s made me angry.

I’ve been made to feel like I’m been stalked. Like I can’t go out because somebody who knows them are feeding back information too her.

How can they not ask me how I am? If they was there for me like they make out to be they’d ask me how I am right?

I’m seem to be the person people take things out on lately. The person people just moan at when things don’t go there way. The person that gives the advice but when it comes to me needing somebody to be there they don’t want to know.

This is surely not a true friend?

Deep down I don’t know what a true friend is.

Don’t get me wrong I have people I can talk to online but it’s not the same is it, let’s face it.

I honestly feel like I’m not good enough, I’m not worth the time. I feel like they just don’t understand I have other priorities. I can’t leave my child to go out every weekend it’s just not fair on him or my parents.

I am so upset and so angry. My heart is raising in so annoyed. I can’t carry on like this. If I have no friends then so be it. I don’t need somebody like this is my life forever. I can’t. I don’t need the drama or the upset!

I need a true friend. Whatever that is.