Scanxiety, it’s a thing…
It doesn’t go away,
It comes and goes but it doesn’t go away.
It’s been 3 years, 10months so scan days are nothing new. Maybe this should be getting easier? Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn’t.. it hits me like a tone of bricks crashing down on me again and these are the moments when it’s hard to breathe sometimes.
You know it hits you out the blue, I could be driving to Morrison’s and remember it’s scan day next week, tears well up in my eyes until there’s too many and they drip down my cheeks then there I am sniffling and sobbing, a living breathing bundle of anxiety.
I know I should be trusting my gut because that’s telling me everything will be okay and Riley looks amazing but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t have these moments where the worries and fears just come running in and it seems so much bigger then I can handle!
Here I am tonight, lying in bed wondering what the mri will say tomorrow! Don’t think I’ll get much sleep tonight.
What if there’s a small tiny tumour?
What if there’s a different cancer?
What if, what if, what if?
Just when I think it’s all quiet and calm in my heart the worse case scenarios would start playing out in my head! The memory or when I was told Riley had cancer is there all the time. There is no off button.
For the past 3 years and 10 months all I’ve wanted to do is take this all away from Riley. But I can’t, all I can do is wait for the results.
So that’s what I have to do.
It’s scan day tomorrow.